Archive for April, 2013

English: Louie, Blues Maskot.

Who is ready for some hard hitting, puck shooting, head punching playoff hockey?  This writer is personally more excited than Tiger Woods at an all you can eat Asian buffet.  With the Stanley Cup Playoffs beginning tomorrow it is time the Unbiased Sports Reports made their unbiased Stanley Cup Champion prediction: The St. Louis Blues.

It is no secret that the Blues have followed their hearts all year.  As coach Hitchcock famously said, “We lead as much as possible, but when we must follow… We follow our hearts.”  Well said Hitch!  We couldn’t agree more with your sentiment, and know that the Blues will use their Grinch hearts (after he has his epiphany of course) to bring “3x” the pain to their opponents.

You better believe that on Tuesday night the Scottrade Center will be rockin louder than Patrick Kane at a Miley Cyrus concert.  The boisterous atmosphere will give the Blues all the inspiration they need to really take it to the Kings.  The Blues have not forgotten about what happened last year in the playoffs.  The Kings really drew a short straw and will have to face the hottest regular season team in the first round.

The Blues have some key players that will be real difference makers throughout the playoffs.  Take Vladimir Sabotka for example, this little engine will not quit!  Just when you think you’ve escaped him, he’ll be on you quicker than Jonathan Toews is on a VIP list for a Magic Mike première.  He really helps define this team’s mentality, look for him to have a huge impact in the first series against the Kings.

If the Blues advance past the first round they will have a cakewalk in the conference semis.  Both the Wild and the Blackhawks are incredibly weak playoff teams and both teams looked anything but strong the final week of the season.  This is our unbiased opinion.  If you disagree (It’s cause you are wrong), please let us know.

-Andrew Murky

Jayson Werth

Tell that whore witch we need to borrow her broom as the Cardinals are doing some sweeping.  Also, let her know that Davey Johnson might need to conjure up some of her witchcraft to help improve his slumping club.

The Washington Nationals fell to the St. Louis Cardinals for the third consecutive game Wednesday afternoon.  Stephen Strasburg suffered his 4th consecutive loss, and for a team that declared themselves The Champs in spring training they are showing nominal life.  Now it is early in the baseball season and there is plenty of time for them to right the ship, but this team better start showing some more “Natitude” ASAP.

Davey Johnson is old and Jayson Werth looks homeless, obviously this combination is not adding up to a winning record.  Everyone knows the equation for winning is three homeless guys and two old men…  Stephen Strasburg’s curveball is currently about as deceptive as Jim Harbaugh on cocaine at Jim Schwartz’s holiday party.  I am confident the Nationals can eventually turn it around, and if not, it won’t be the first time we were lied to by Washington.

-Andrew Murky

1)     St_-Louis-Cardinals-Logo St. Louis Cardinals-The Cardinals once again look like the team to beat in the N.L.  The starting pitching has been fantastic and now that the offense is starting to wake up they look like the strong favorites to win their 12th World Series Championship.  How good are they?  As good as Dustin Hoffman in Rainman- let’s get retarded.

2)      Atlanta Braves– Atlanta is hotter than Brooklyn Decker in Just Go with It.  Nobody can dispute the Braves fantastic start to the season, but until this team can prove they can beat the Cardinals they will remain #2 in the rankings.

3)      Colorado Rockies-The Rockies are cooler than an Eskimo wearing Sean Jean.  Now I don’t think this team can sustain its impressive start, but we can’t rank them any lower than third with only 4 losses on the young season.

4)      San Fran-average attendance for San Fran home games is well over 30,000; this is well above the league average.  The average weight for their starting infielders is well over 250 pounds, this is also well above the league average.  They are the current world champions so I do have to give them some dap.

5)      Arizona D-backs-Need to see more.  I think they have some real good young talent, but with a loaded West the D-back will have a tough time making the playoffs.

6)      Washington Nationals-This team is so loaded but I am not sold.  Bryce Harper looks like the real deal but this team does not.

7)      Pittsburgh Pirates-The buckos look like they might be solid again, but this team has fooled us the last two years by looking like the real deal until folding late in the season.

8)      Milwaukee Brewers-Not so easy without all those steroids…  Not impressed.

9)      LA Dodgers-The Dodgers might be the biggest disappointment thus far in the young season.  This team is also guilty of running their mouths and not being concerned about the end result on the field.

10)   San Diego Padres-I couldn’t concentrate on baseball if I lived in such a gorgeous city either…

11)   NY Mets-send that big Apple back to the orchard. I dunno, this team doesn’t impress me.

12)   Philadelphia Phillies-Phillies have some strong pitching but have been disappointing thus far in the young season.

13)   Cincinnati Reds-Cincinnati has one of the dumbest managers in the big leagues.  If Dusty could keep his team from running their mouths I could see the Reds contending for a championship, but he is more concerned about puffing out his chest, chewing his toothpick, and basically looking dumb.

14)   Miami Marlins-What’s not to love?  The 4-15 record or the gay pride parade that takes place in center field after each home run.  In all seriousness this team is a joke. Relegation?

15)   Chicago Cubs-They like keeping it real, REAL DUMB.  Are Cubs fans really saying “Wait for next year” already?

-Unbiased Sports Reporters

Phil Mickelson

Poverty sucks and so do the bleeding hearts that enable it.

This article is a bit belated, but it is something I am fairly passionate about so I decided it was time I wrote something about it.  Phil Mickelson is unhappy that his federal income tax climbed from 35 to 39 percent, and who the hell can blame him?  I know there are people out there who argue that he is a millionaire and can afford it but that’s not the point.  Why is anyone else entitled to Phil’s money other than Phil?  Taxes should be used to pay for roads, protection and education.  Not much else!  Phil is actually spot on with his comments and I am one writer who agrees 100% with him.  I have always been an advocate of a flat tax rate.  The people who think Phil should be giving nearly half of his income back to the government are probably the same morons that vote for ultra left wingers every election.  This entitlement culture we have created drives me insane.  I am not a republican, but fiscal conservative policies are the only ones that make sense.  This is a call out to any far lefts that believe Phil’s comments were out of touch. If anyone can give me one good argument that actually makes sense I will gladly eat crow, but the truth is you can’t.  Liberal media reports regurgitate the same rhetoric over and over again.

Let’s stop punishing the rich for being the best at something.  Phil is the best golfer in the world and he should be compensated as such.  I am the best sports columnist in the world and I demand a hefty salary for it, but a majority of that income should be mine and not the state or federal governments.  As someone much wiser than me once said: “G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S… I’m flying first class…”  

-Andrew Murky

fight

Last night we saw our first big altercation of the young baseball season and Matt Kemp is more pissed than a fat kid at a farmer’s market.  Zack Greinke threw an inside pitch that plunked the batter and mêlée broke out.  I do have to give Greinke props for not backing down but he still ended up looking like a 12 year old bitch.  How the heck did that hit break his collarbone?  Maybe if he would have been more of a fat kid this never would have happened.

Just like malice in the palace, sports analyst saw this as an opportune time to talk about how this should have never happened and they are disappointed it did.  Well here is one writer who disagrees.  I say bring on the fights!  It’s what the people want!  Hell, the batter should have taken the bat with him.  I usually couldn’t care less about West Coast baseball, but I’ll perk up when something like this happens.  It’s what draws us to sports teams we usually don’t give a damn about.  It’s also what draws us to Chris Brown and Rihanna.  Consequently, maybe that’s another reason Matt Kemp is more pissed than a lactose intolerant fat kid at Dairy Queen.

Bottom line, the more fighting in sports the more publicity and interest.  After all, sports are the only place where you can brawl your brains out and not be subject to the normal legal repercussions.   If I see another fight in this baseball series I’ll be happier than a fat kid sporting a diaper at Golden Corral.

Let’s get ready to rumble!

-Andrew Murky