Archive for May, 2013

Extra Extra! Hot off the press, my shit!  Poop: it’s a part of sports.  Almost every true fan has loaded their drawers after witnessing something amazing or devastating in sports.  Is it ok?  Absolutely not, we are grownups and should be able to control our bowels, however, after consuming 10 – 15 beers during a sporting event, which is American tradition, and then witnessing an amazing Jimmy “ball game” Edmonds catch you’re likely to let out some celebratory flatulence through your anus, and just like Edmonds just surprised you with his catch, your colon might surprise you by releasing some of that beer and nachos supreme through your anus and into your boxer shorts.  I am in no way shape or form condoning this behavior (ironically poop can take many different shapes and forms).  I am simply here to inform you that every man over the age of seven has sharted at some point during a sporting event.  So next time you smell something rank at the ballpark, don’t always assume it’s Prince Fielder(although it still probably is Prince Fielder), it could be you! And you might want to chickity check yourself, as you probably just wrecked yourself, and doodoo britches are bad for your health.

In my unbiased opinion this is the best thing I have written to date.

-Andrew Murky

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This is the headline I hope to read within the next 24 hours.  Hell, shop him around in a package deal that also includes Victor Marte.  If I were Mo I’d accept a bag of sun flower seeds and a pile of manure for these guys, we would also accept some fat drunk guy that can’t play baseball, but it would give someone for Ty Wiggington to hang out with.  Mike Matheny, as much as I like the guy, is on my temporary shit list.  There is a plethora of additional options in that bullpen.  Why not let Maness finish off the 9th, or bring in Joe Kelly, who by the way recorded three outs and didn’t allow any of the three runners he inherited to score.  Of All the head scratchers we have seen over the years this one might take the cake.  This central division race is going to be way too tight and we cannot give away wins.

With that being said, Joe West should have called the game when the rain started resulting in a cardinals 2-1 victory.  Had a player gotten injured it would have been a real serious blunder.

-Andrew Murky

Rather than report on a professional or collegiate sporting event, the unbiased sports reporters took to a golf course in suburban Chicago to attract new readers as well as report on sports at the amateur(in every sense of the word) level.  What happened next was both remarkable and a little sensual.

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Clause, and Christmas came a little early for three boys who definitely made the nice list.  Don’t get us wrong, the gentlemen we followed today at White Pines Country Club definitely had a hint of the naughty within; as we learned from their libations and self admission of being slaves to the freaky ass booty.  However, the bond the three shared was incredible.    It was the first time this writer can remember covering “sport” and witnessing absolutely no competition.  In fact, I think professional athletes could learn a thing or two from these true amateurs.  It’s not always about how quickly you finish the race, but how much you savor your beer before pissing in the woods.  Obviously none of the men we followed will be earning their tour cards anytime soon, but they earned something much more important today(not really), my respect!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Three friends making memories!

The three golfers, who elected to remain unnamed, informed us they were just getting in a quick 18 prior to their best bud’s wedding that afternoon.  Love, it’s what it’s really about people!  Most amateurs enjoy a little beer with their golf, it’s safe to say these gents enjoy a little golf with their beer, but I am not here to pass judgement.  Rather, I’m here to report the sporting news and inform you that the right combination of beer, golf, and love can result in some real intimate male togetherness (also some real gayness).
Until next time,

-Andrew Murky

cubs fan

Hey gang, I am declaring today National Punch a Cubs Fan in the Face Day (patent pending).  Although the north siders might be some lovable losers, there’s no good reason not to punch them in the head.  Make sure you hit them hard, and when they get angry, which they inevitably will, take your thumb and insert it between your middle and pointer fingers, press it against their nose, pull your hand back, and say “got your nose!”  You’ll both end up laughing so hard they’ll forget why they were mad in the first place.  Haha, oh my! Where does the time go?

Until next time,

-Andrew Murky

Honorable mentions:

A League of Their Own

We love Tom Hanks and this would have made the top 10, but I just don’t buy into the premise that women can play sports(excluding stripping), or provide any type of real entertainment outside of comedic when attempting to do so.  “Women can’t play baseball!”  Well said Tom.  And For those feminist out there screaming foul; get your big butts back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Tin Cup

This is one of the greatest golf stories ever told, but there was only room for two Kevin Costner flicks on our top ten, we do have a proclivity to think of Costner when thinking about sports.  And With an ass like that who wouldn’t cast him?

Major League

“Just a bit outside.” This movie is loaded with tons of great one liners so it definitely earns an honorable mention.

The Replacements

Is it just me or do you also think Shane Falco could be a better nfl QB than Joe Flacco.  Prove me wrong!  Although Flacco wins the unibrow contest hands down!

Little Giants

Christina Ricci is the Ice Box.  <insert completely inappropriate “box” joke here(or your penis)>

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for, the unbiased sports reporters top ten sports movies of all time!

10) Rookie of the Year      

rookie of the year

“Rowengardner!”  The entire premise of this movie is fantastic.  A squirrely looking kid, Henry Rowengardner, breaks his arm and it heals back with super human strength.  The Chicago Cubs soon discover his talent after a home run is hit off the lovable losers, and Henry chucks the ball from center field to home plate.  Also, Who can’t love a movie with Gary  Busey? The man drinks his own piss!  Ebert may have given this movie one thumb down but I give it Two thumbs up your butt!

9)Bull Durahm

bull durham

Susan Sarandon, in my unbiased opinion, is uglier than Steve Buschimi on a bad day, but even her horse face can’t deny this movie’s brilliance.  There is just something about minor league baseball that really makes this movie identifiable.  It wouldn’t have had the same feel had it taken place in the big leagues.  Just don’t go to this flick looking for any spank bank material, unless you’re into chicks that look like steaming piles of shit.

8) Rudy

rudy

The little engine that could.  This is a true underdog story, and I think anyone ever picked last in gym can identify.  Let’s not forget that If it wasn’t for Rudy, the ring of the Dark Lord Sauron would have never been destroyed…

7)The Mighty Ducks

mighty ducks

Emilio!!!! Growing up we use to run a play on my CYO basketball team inspired by the flying-V.  Of course we were all whistled for setting illegal picks, but the hilariousness of the flying V was great.  This move taught me that if you drink and drive you will get pulled over, arrested, and assigned a rambunctious, yet talented, peewee hockey team to coach.  This team will end up teaching you more than you could ever teach them.  Think I’ll crack a few beers tonight and go for a drive (fingers crossed).

6)Rocky IV

rocky2

“I ain’t hear no bell!”  Rocky IV is the great American tale. If it wasn’t for Sly we’d all be speaking Russian and eating dog shit! America!

5)Jerry McGuire

jerry mcguire

“I’m not gonna do what everyone thinks I’m gonna do…” Gotta love Jerry McGuire and Rod Tidwell!  However, I would not shoplift Renee Zellweger’s pootie for all the kwon in the world.

4)Hoosiers

hossiers

Remember this drunk?  He liked to party!  This is one of my favorite comedies of all time.  Dream big! Go Hoosiers!

3)Caddyshack

caddyshack

Bill Murray at his best. Who can’t help but love this tear jerker.  Caddyshack is one of the most inspirational films ever made.

2)Field of Dreams

Field-of-Dreams-Gospel

Kevin Costner again!? This movie is a masterpiece.  It makes absolutely no sense, and I would have preferred an ending where the protagonist wakes up from a dream, a wet sloppy dream 😉

1) Return of the Jedi

return of the jedi

Rather than justify why this is the greatest sports movie ever, I will let the following sound effects do the justification:  Pew pew! Shhhhaaazzzz shhhhbang!  Mrrrruuu! Vroom! Pew pew! Dooooshblam!

Well there you have it; our unbiased breakdown of the greatest sports movies ever made.

-Andrew Murky