Archive for June, 2013

A lot has happened in the recent weeks since my last post regarding Dusty Baker and his propensity to wear too many armbands (by the way we decided 4 is one too many).  So, let’s dive into what has happened over the last few weeks.

We saw the Chicago Blackhawks raise another Stanley Cup*, although it will have an asterisk next to their title as it was won during a strike shortened season.  Seems like a very forgettable hockey season, and the Blackhawks will prove to be an even more forgettable champion.  However, I will not completely rain on their parade as Patrick Kane has successfully transformed his appearance into the ugliest man alive, so… Congrats?  It is nice that Chicago will have something to momentarily celebrate before having to again bear the shame that accompanies a population that is responsible for the demise of the West.  I kid I kid, but in all seriousness it’s almost July, I should not have the option of attending a hockey game or a firework display*****.

Bron Bron got his juice box and led the Miami Heat to consecutive NBA Championships, or did he?    If you watch closely at the 34 second mark of game six, you can actually see Lebron placing magnets on the ball prior to the Heat making their improbable run.  Seriously, check the tape (but don’t actually), and you’ll see what really happened.  Not one, not two, not er um.  That might be all you get Bron Bron.  Enjoy the juice while it’s freshly squeezed.

Phil proved, once again, that he is worse at closing than I was on prom night.    I am a huge Phil supporter and this particular loss was especially hard to swallow (‘cause of all the seamen built up from prom night).  However, this is what makes Phil so great and sometimes frustrating to watch.  The inexplicability keeps viewers glued to their TV’s.  I personally think Phil does it on purpose for ratings.  Big boy is just giving us a bit of a taste of what’s to come.  Don’t be surprised if Phil opens up a big salty sandwich, and wins the next 6-8 majors in a row, seriously! (I’m not actually serious).

Finally, we saw Nadal go out early at Wimbledon.  Who is saying they were erroneously seated now?  Na-Na-Na-Na Na-Na-Na-Na hey hey hey goodbye!

-A. Murky

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Evidently the four armbands dusty baker was sporting during Cincinnati’s 11-4 loss to St. Louis on Sunday night weren’t enough to propel his team to a win.  I have to believe he uses these armbands as some type of motivator for his club, as there’s no other logical reason you would deck yourself out in armbands when you don’t actually play, right?  I’ll give him a break as we’ve known for awhile that Dusty’s elevator does not go to the top floor.

Perhaps he just sweats profusely! I mean I have no doubt he smells terrible, he’s just one of those people you can tell by looking at him that his smell is offensive; much like John C Reilly.  Dusty proved he was one armband short of a set, as once again he completely mismanaged his bullpen and handed the surging Cardinals another victory.

Dusty yanked his starter prematurely and turned to what can only be described as a minor league bullpen – at best.  The lead soon evaporated. Dusty used his only effective reliever in the 9th.  Conversely, Mike Matheny extended his bullpen weapon, Trevor Rosenthal, for two innings; who by the way looked more impressive than Aroldis Chapman.  After a blown call the night before, which handed Cincinnati an undeserved win, the Cardinals flexed their muscles and proved, once again, that they are the team to beat in the NL Central.

The Cardinals now sit perched on top of baseball awaiting any challengers and reminding us that if you get too close they will rip your eyes out and feed it to their babies – in this case the impressive rookies.

-Andrew Murky

I think most fans around baseball, excluding those homers hailing from Milwaukee, knew Ryan Braun was guilty of steroid use when news broke he had tested positive for PEDs over a year ago.  I think most fans were outraged that he compromised the integrity of the game by getting off on a technicality whilst simultaneously throwing a meagerly paid sample collector under the bus.  And I think most fans are loving the fact that this time around the bus is going to hit Ryan Braun going 100 mph and carrying a hefty 100 game suspension.

Now if Braun is given the opportunity he’ll sell out anyone and everyone to try and exonerate himself.  I must admit I am giddily awaiting Braun’s rebuttal this time around.  Will he go ahead and dig that hole even deeper?  This is one sports writer who wouldn’t mind throwing the dirt on top.  I have this eerie suspicion that he’s going to try and weasel his way out, or he’ll just go into hiding.  Regardless, I want this guy to go away and go away for awhile, but not until his reputation is adequately smeared through the mud.

To say Ryan Braun is a classless douchebag would be an insult to all classless douchebags.  This guy is something between the white shit that accrues in the corner of your mouth when you are parched and the brown streaks that appear on your underwear after an episode of inadequate wiping.  Oh, and he looks like a giant bug!  Maybe after his baseball career abruptly comes to a halt, which it will, he can pursue a new career in Hollywood!  I hear they are considering remaking the Jeff Goldbloom classic, The Fly.  Hollywood could definitely save some money on makeup by casting Braun as the fly.  That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

-Andrew Murky