Archive for July, 2013

The human fly, Ryan Braun, has finally been suspended for PED use.  I wrote a story a few weeks back about Braun being scum, and to those Milwaukee fans who disputed my claim…  I TOLD YOU SO!  There have been plenty of MLB players to get caught using PED’s, but Braun is the only one to date that has escaped on a technicality.  Don’t be surprised if his numbers for the remainder of his career mirror what he had done this season.  Not quite as easy without steroids.

Baseball fans across America need to join me next season and whenever your favorite team plays the Milwaukee Brewers make sure to show up and give Braun the earful of boos he deserves.  Looking for something to do the rest of the season Ryan?  Ty Wiggington is still looking for a drinking buddy, and I have a feeling Braun’s career won’t be much better than Ty Ty’s moving forward.  There is one final question we have to ask ourselves— Is Ryan Braun a child molester?  Well, even if he vehemently denies it, how can we believe anything that comes out of his mouth?  Good night America!

-Andrew Murky

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Is what I wish I could be reporting right now…  However, due to liberal outrage, the institution that is the Chief will remain dormant for now.  Don’t you liberals have a Trayvon Martin protest to attend?  I thought conservatives were supposed to be the party poopers.  The only real news out of Illini camp right now is the new helmet design (pictured above).  I do like the new design, although last year I wasted (cough cough-wisely invested) $100 on the now outdated Illini football helmet.  If only the “I” on the side represented the amount of BIG 10 wins the Illini got last year.  Maybe this season they should start with a BIG O on their helmets then add the I after the first BIG 10 win, and ultimately end up with a VI (Hey! A brother can dream can’t he?).  I smell some effin roses!

-Andrew Murky

Many Cardinal fans were upset and felt betrayed after Pujols left baseball heaven.  I wish I could have implored those fans to listen to the Rodd Stewart classic “I wish I knew what I know now.”  Pujols, hair receding, now looks like the shell of the great player he once was.  The only thing he’s losing quicker than his hair are his production numbers, and as he nears closer to age 50 the aches and pains will continue to make it that much harder to get up in the morning.  The alone comfort is that the bags of money he will receive over the next 8.5 years outweigh the bags forming under his eyes, Ha barely!  The Cardinals have always made savvy baseball moves, and John Mozeliak not resigning this aging superstar with ever dwindling numbers may have made the smartest move yet.

Perhaps Albert can push that sun back up in the sky for one more series and play like the Albert of old. After all, the Angels haven’t really had much to play for over the past two seasons. Maybe this will give him and the team some added motivation.  However, this is one reporter who isn’t that optimistic- just unbiased.  When a prize horse or dog starts declining we euthanize them…  When Pujols does it the Angels give him millions (go figure).  Let’s celebrate the Angels obligation to overcompensate a player who should have been put out to pasture.  We’ll be watching closely tonight Albert, prove us wrong.  And that my friends is the way the cookie crumbles.  Nom nom.

-Andrew Murky