Archive for September, 2013

Throughout the course of this season I have been razzed by Reds fans about the superior quality of their team compared to the Cardinals and Pirates.  Well… Today Dusty and company became the first team (of the three) officially eliminated from NL Central contention.  How do you like your crow served?  I will grant you that the measure of a team’s success is not defined by division titles but rather postseason success.  But if Cincinnati would even try to contend they have an argument with the Cardinals regarding post season résumés, they have less of a leg to stand on than Oscar Pistorius (literally and figuratively).

Maybe Dusty’s 6 armbands wasn’t enough inspiration for his club to obtain the NL Central…  Maybe the constant toothpick chewing and his egregious misuse of Chapman angered his players…  Whatever the case may be, we can all agree that Cincinnati has lost the Central this year and are… well, in a word, losers; the only way to not be deemed as such by this writer? Win the World Series.

Andrew Murky, MBA

Tex Mex is my favorite laxative” –Anonymous


With it being a slow weekend for college football we will take a closer look at a smaller, but equally important, sporting event occurring in Springfield, IL this weekend.  The annual Beer-in-Hand Kickball (BIHK) will be played for the ninth time on Saturday at the friendly confines of Cotton Hill Park.  The annual event is a culmination of athleticism, patriotism, gayness and of course libations.

The rules surrounding BIHK are quite intricate…  The athletes must have a beer in their hand at all times, and must slap and take a hit from the Franzia bag whenever they cross home plate.  Have I lost you yet?  The third, and extremely necessary, rule is that males must play with their pants around their ankles for the 4th inning (keep an eye out for ole skidmark).  Those are the rules – I warned you about the complexity.  Spectators can expect to be treated to a full array of male nudity that somehow the predominately homophobic participants turn into a surprisingly tasteful display of dude on dude intimacy.  I’m talking about a bunch of smelly dirty guys getting real friendly with each other whilst fashioning nothing but thin cloth over their groin.  You’d be shocked to hear it’s a classy event… But it is!  Heck, bring the family down!  It’s an all age’s event.

Bonus-this is Ultralaser’s 4th of 4 going away parties.  But the others were like a KICK in the BALLs compared to this one (see what I did there?).  Until next time.

Andrew Murky, MBA

“If muff were a candy it would be circus peanuts.” -Abe Lincoln


We are just two days away from the Chicago Homecoming! Last I checked ticket sales had exceeded 40,000 (Soldier Field holds approximately 60,000). We can safely assume that a majority of those tickets sold are to Illini faithful donning the orange and blue. I anticipate the ticket sale number to rise after the beat down the Illini gave Cincinnati last week. The fact that Washington is ranked should only increase the likelihood of increased sales. I am cautiously optimistic that sales will exceed 50,000 and that the Illini will have a raucous (alcohol aided) Illinois-based crowd to entertain on Saturday.

What we can expect to see: Prior to diving into my prediction I must point out that I was among a very diminutive faction to pick the Illini to beat Cincy. Hopefully this provides some credibility to my questioned (at least last week’s) analysis. Washington runs a very high octane offense similar to Oregon or any of the West Coast teams. However, they are a run-first type of offense. Say what you will about the Illini defense, but they have been very effective defending the run this season. The defense will force Washington out of their comfort zone and into a passing game. Therefore the Illini secondary needs to step up big and have an impact on the outcome.

Bill Cubit will need to continue to be creative with the play calling – especially considering Washington has one of the most vaunted defenses in the country. They have some solid blitz-happy linebackers that can make a QB scramble. In addition, they have some great corners and safeties. However, this is not Alabama… I fully expect the offense to come out firing on all cylinders. As long as the players continue to execute we can expect another high scoring game. Earlier I said this game would be a shootout and has the potential to be the most entertaining and exciting game of the season. I still strongly believe this, and regardless of the outcome, Illinois bows down to no one.

With all the advertising Illinois has done in Chicago over the past few seasons rightfully proclaiming that this is our state and our team, Saturday is no better way to further establish the fact to those who think contrarily in Evanston. In the words of Kevin McCallister, “This is [our home]. [We] have to defend it.” Prediction: Illini-45 Washington-42

-Andrew Murky, MBA
“Jews – America’s best kept secret” –Anonymous


Do you believe in miracles?  Not really…   I have said for the last few weeks that Illinois would win this game over an inferior Cincinnati opponent.  Cincinnati fans have done a great job of hiding behind their record over the past two seasons.  However, when we examine their opponents we soon realize that they rarely play quality teams.  It’s all a charade!  Cincinnati fans were mesmerized with a 42-7 home win against Purdue, but anyone who knows anything about B1G Football knows that Purdue is destined to be in the B1G cellar.  I said that in order for the Fighting Illini to go to a Bowl game, the week two game over Cincinnati was a MUST win.  Well, Illinois not only won, they won B1G!  Below is a list of things we learned about the Illini after week 2:

1)       Cincinnati: You kinda suck.  Tuberville should go back to doing what he does best – beating kids.

2)      Illinois has a high-powered offense (through two weeks).  Bill Cubit’s offence, once again, looked great!  Last week I said that his quick strike play calls could make any defense look vulnerable, and once again, he made what fans thought was a quality opponent his bitch.  …Although, since we were playing a Cat, does that make Cincy his pussy?  Um, er, scratch that… We’ll go with bitch!

3)      Other than one shanked punt by the Frenchman, Illinois’ special teams looked very good.

4)      The defense looked alright.  I thought I would be elated with only allowing 17 points against Cincy, but this team still does not pass the eye test.  The secondary still looks a hell of a lot like Swiss cheese (maybe baby Swiss this week).  I will give them a passing grade, but I hope they can continue to improve and grow in front of our eyes.

I do not want to get ahead of myself, as we NOW all know that Cincinnati does not have a great football team this year.  However, this was a big-time win for Beckman and company.  People kind of scoffed at me when I mentioned Scheelhaase’s name in the Heisman discussion last week, but now the senior QB has had back to back weeks of numbers better than just about everyone in the country.  Who knows, I have a funny feeling it could give the Illini enough momentum to go into Chicago next week and win.  My prediction and breakdown of that game will come later this week.  Until then, it’s time for the NFL and big boys to play.

Andrew Murky, MBA

“Who needs a pant rack when you have a penis?” –Anonymous


I will preview the Illinois vs. Cincinnati game, but first let’s take a look at what we learned in week one:

1) The Illini look great on offense. I understand we were playing a lesser opponent, but the types of quick strike play calls will work against any defense. Fans should also not fret too much at the inefficient running game; SIU forced Illini to pass… And pass they did! If a team decides to show the passing game more respect the running game will open up wider than Demi Lovato’s mouth at chow time (don’t get me wrong, her “milkshake” still brings this reporter to “the yard”).

2) The defense only looked good for one half, and I think it’s safe to say that the Tim Banks experiment has been a complete and total failure. However, Beckman was known as a defensive genius prior to becoming a head coach and he needs to intervene – his job depends on it. I also have to believe that the heat took its toll on the defense in last Saturday’s game as they appeared to become worn down. Special teams must perform better to give the D a chance to succeed. Look for Illini’s defense to bounce back dirty hard in week two.

3) Illini has a potential Heisman candidate in Scheelhaase. The senior QB received B1G player of the week honors.

Illini will have to play better in week two vs. Tubby Tuberville’s squad if they want the win. However, Purdue is in a rebuilding year and I don’t think they ever posed a real threat to the Bearcats.

Holding Cincinnati below 30 points would be considered a success for the Illini defense. So the formula for Bill Cubit and company becomes relatively simple – score more than 30 points. I originally predicted a 31-28 Fighting Illini win and I’m sticking with that projection.

If you don’t have a horse in this race (like me) I would implore you to wear orange and root for the Illini… We all know Tuberville is a terrible person who beats kids and uses his old man musk to seduce similarly aged women. Gross.

-Andrew Murky, MBA

“Anything worth doing is worth doing drunk” – anonymous