Don Mattingly… LMAO

So months after you got your ass kicked in the NLCS you want to bitch about the Cardinals stealing signs? I’m sure Kershaw getting rocked had nothing to do with the short rest you pitched him on time and time again… Did you forget the Birds could hardly touch Ryu in the series!? C’mon, that chunky Asian was throwing BP and the Cardinals couldn’t center the ball… Why don’t you look at your team of misfits and come to the conclusion that you were outplayed, and certainly outclassed by a superior ball club. If anything, blame the series loss on your thug of a right fielder, his giant medallion, and defensive antics.

Andrew Murky, MBA

USA World Cup Preview

Prior to reading this article, please take a moment to reflect on the great life of Nelson Mandela by flirting with the nearest middle aged female while your wife is present. Also, make sure to take an awkward selfie to commiserate the moment… Stay classy Obama.

As an American I was, once again, frustrated with out most recent World Cup draw. It might be easier to understand a Lou Holtz rant than advance from this year’s “group of death.” Die Mannschaft is arguably the best and most consistent team in the Cup, Portugal features the premier goal scorer in the world, and Ghana, for good measure, has knocked the U.S. Out of the Cup the last two go-rounds… Oh, I almost forgot to mention the most challenging travel schedule that includes a stop in the rain forest. However, the last time I checked we are Ameri”Cans” not Ameri”Cants.” Rather than fixate on the raw ass deal we got, I think this is a great opportunity for the Red, White, and Blue to rise to the challenge and show the rest of the world that soccer is yet another thing we are better at than the rest of you. Someone who shares my sentiment is star forward for the U.S.- Jozy Altidore. I had an opportunity to sit down with Jozy and assess the United State’s chances in Brazil. (The interview below actually took place with Joseph Alderson, a 40 something year old white colleague of mine.)

Andrew-How do you like the US chances in Brazil?

Jozy-I love our chances, but I don’t want to look ahead. We need to prepare for the Ghana match and take things from there. If Klinsmann decides to play Landy and Demps with me… We will have no trouble, well, you know (says winking and laughing while gesturing towards his crotch).

Andrew-What do you see as the biggest challenge of advancing from your group?

Jozy-Obviously we were dealt a hell of a draw… Every game presents unique challenges. However, I think the game in the rain forest against the most dynamic player in the world could be tough. I spend my offseason training in a humidor, my friends call it the “sweaty ball tank” but I just call it the “sweaty dick room” (again, winks and gestures toward his crotch).

Andrew-You have done a great job of answering some tough, but important, questions. I will get you out of here on this… What would your celebration be if you win the World Cup?

Jozy-(silence as a smile breaks across his face. He winks and gestures toward his crotch)

I just want to thank my interviewee, the one and only Jozy Altidore (Aka Joseph Alderson).

USA USA USA!!!

Andrew Murky, MBA

What’s the point of Kia’s?