The Illini Football Road to 6 Wins Begins in 48 Hours

As a writer I typically answer unasked questions. I make inferences about questions you’re dying to know the answer and then I give you a completely unbiased right-wing driven answer. Well, I have something really piquant for my reader’s this week; I’m going to type out my questions and provide a really stooopid answer. Hell, sometimes I’m not even going to provide answers but reply with another bogus question. I am hopeful that this will provide you (the readers) a unique glance into my “creative process.” So, grab a beer and join me on this little trip to candy mountain. Let’s begin.

Q: Do you think the Illini have enough this year to get to 6 wins?
A: Does Famous Dave’s BBQ kickass? A: Fuck Yeah it does!

Q: Will Wes Lunt pickup where Nathan Scheelhaase left off?
A: Well that’s a dumb question (although I asked it)… Someone who started as a true freshman at Ok State? It may take a week or two to get into a real groove, but by the time Illinois plays Washington, look for Wes to have settled in and this offense to be the most prolific in the B1G. RIP Braxton Miller.

Q: Does Youngstown State pose a threat to Illinois?
A: Not really, penguins aren’t indigenous to this area, and despite global cooling Champaign will still be too hot for penguins to compete. However! My answer would be different if the game was played under freezing water.

Q: If you had to liken this Illini defense to a type of cheese what type would it be?
A: Based off what we saw last year I would have to say Swiss. I hear they have made some improvements and that the pass rush should be much improved. Let’s hope! I would love to upgrade this defense to AMERICAN cheese at some point this season.

Q: How are the special teams this year?
A: This should be a real bright spot for this team. They have a very explosive return man coupled with some experienced kickers.

Q: What is the biggest concern for the Illini heading into this season?
A: Rebel alliances from the North. …also, the D.

Q: Will the Illini go undefeated this season and compete for a National Chamionship.
A: Yes.

Q: What’s your final score prediction for this week’s game?
A: A lot to kinda a lot.

Q: Do you like the new uniforms, or do you think they are just a distraction tactic for a team that has been historically bad the past two seasons?
A: Yes and Yes.

Q: What’s your favorite thing to do at tailgating?
A: Blame Obama for my shortcomings.

Well, that’s all the time I have today. Honest prediction for this week’s game:

Illinois-45
YSU-28

Andrew Murky, MBA
“Eat shit and live!” -Ultralaster

USA! Win or Die.

Knockout play is finally here for the US. There’s something beautiful about the finality in the win or go home games at the World Cup. Something that makes you pour every last ounce of emotion into a game that, for today, means everything to your country. We have an opportunity today to do something the US hasn’t done in over a decade!

Let’s make history. Forget the fact we’ve lost to Belgium twice in the last couple of years. Isn’t there a saying for moments like this? To my big book of clichés!

Third times a charm
Two wrongs don’t make a right
As useful as tits on a bull
More chins than a Chinese phone book

Ok, Those last few were just for fun. Besides, those previous matches with Belgium were friendlies, this IS NOT. This will be a real blood bath, and when blood is involved, America will prosper. Red, White, and Blue! These colors don’t run. See you on the other side.

Prediction: US-2 Belgium-1

Andrew Murky, USA

WE’RE NOT THAT DRUNK!

We did it! WE FREAKING DID IT! The United States has advanced to the knockout stage of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. And to those of you who thought we would be content with simply advancing, NEWS FLASH – We’re not that drunk. Hey! They aren’t that drunk. We want to taste more of the sweet nectar that is victory. Standing in our way is a Belgium team that many experts considered to be a dark horse to win this World Cup. Well, I’m no expert, but anyone who believes that Belgium is better than America doesn’t know shit from apple butter.

If you have not had the displeasure of viewing a Belgium game, here is what you’ve missed:

Flopping
Fans waiving sideways German flags
Flopping
Some crying
And more flopping

Some onlookers might claim that since Belgium won their group outright and never lost a match makes them outrageously better than the US, but look at their damn group: Algeria, Russia and South Korea… Group H should have been nicknamed what it was: liquid diarrhea. Also, Belgium led for a total of 24 minutes, and had a GD of +3, hardly dominant.

Join me in my boycotting of waffles and Belgium beer this week as we show these pussys’ how American’s play soccer.

Andrew Murky, MBA

Going for the W

We are 24 hours away from kicking off a day that could redefine American Soccer. Everyone is aware what the US needs to do to advance. And if you are getting your hopes up for a conservative non-attacking game, I think you’ll be dissapointed. Klinsmann is way too arrogant to play for a draw against anyone.

Even if the US and Germany try to reach a “play to a draw” agreement before the match, I can only assume it would be similar to the conversation Germany and Poland had before WWII.

German Captain: Vee hav enov ov zee vield, und vee hav nein interest in invading your side (giggle giggle)

Dempsey: Err umm, sounds good(raising an eyebrow)

Besides, I would like to think that the US wants to prove it can win this tournament! What better way then to knock off a juggernaut, and subsequently give the US a much easier path through the knockout stage. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow, let’s leave everything we have on the field. To the Outlaws in Recife, provide the vocal support our boys’ need to advance.

Oh, one last thing. Let’s win this fucking game.

Prediction: USA-2 Germany-1

Andrew Murky, USA

Gotta Have Faith

As I sip my cup of dark roasted coffee and scan through the morning World Cup headlines I can’t help but get cautiously optimistic about the Yanks’ chances on Sunday vs Portugal. The question that many US soccer doubters keep posing to the faithful is: “why do you have faith!?” After giving this some real thought (at least 3 minutes), the obvious answer that kept resonating with me was, “‘Cause…. We’re America!”

I equate the US Soccer Team to a high schooler who drives a hunk of shit but is convinced it’s the best thing since sliced bread… This is an ’89 Honda, HOW DARE YOU!? However, this is an ’89 Honda that I believe in my heart the US will drive to World Cup glory. Sure, the NOS may have been removed with the injury to Altidore, but I always found that pressing the windshield wiper fluid button and making vroom sounds worked almost as well as real NOS anyway (not really). Besides, Paul Walker’s ghost will be on the pitch on Sunday giving our boys that extra speed when they need it most. Bottom line, why would any true red blooded American accept the fact that our National Team isn’t that good? Accepting that we aren’t that good at soccer – or anything – I imagine must be what it feels like to be French. Klinsmann has made it clear we aren’t playing for a tie Sunday. As always, we are America, and we are coming out swinging knowing that we will win!

Andrew Murky, MBA