Extra Extra! Hot off the press, my shit! Poop: it’s a part of sports. Almost every true fan has loaded their drawers after witnessing something amazing or devastating in sports. Is it ok? Absolutely not, we are grownups and should be able to control our bowels, however, after consuming 10 – 15 beers during a sporting event, which is American tradition, and then witnessing an amazing Jimmy “ball game” Edmonds catch you’re likely to let out some celebratory flatulence through your anus, and just like Edmonds just surprised you with his catch, your colon might surprise you by releasing some of that beer and nachos supreme through your anus and into your boxer shorts. I am in no way shape or form condoning this behavior (ironically poop can take many different shapes and forms). I am simply here to inform you that every man over the age of seven has sharted at some point during a sporting event. So next time you smell something rank at the ballpark, don’t always assume it’s Prince Fielder(although it still probably is Prince Fielder), it could be you! And you might want to chickity check yourself, as you probably just wrecked yourself, and doodoo britches are bad for your health.
In my unbiased opinion this is the best thing I have written to date.
-Andrew Murky
unbiased sports reporters 